I know some might wonder why with two months left I have decided to start preparing myself with post partum depression. Such a Debbie Downer especially since theres a chance I wont be diagnosed with it. But let me share why Im preparing and what I am doing to prepare.
I have two children, I have been diagnosed with post partum depression twice. Ive been there on the good days and the bad days. Ive been there on the days where it has robbed me of motherhood, the hours and the days I can never get back with my children. Ive also had those days of motherhood where I love my life, I love this stage in life, having these little blessing running around calling me mom is what I live for. I want those good days more than the bad. Unfortunately, with Hannah I had more bad days then good.
With Hannah I was a first time mom I had no idea what feelings were “normal.” I had so many days of tears and just not happy with life. I thought maybe it was just baby blues. But baby blues shouldn’t be around for months. So I figured maybe I just wasn’t cut out to be a mom if this is how I felt. I did not enjoy being a mother. That first year I felt ashamed with how I felt. I loved my little girl but this motherhood life wasn’t for me. I was exhausted from staying up all night worrying about her. I was exhausted from trying to figure her out her stomach issues. After a year I finally talked to my doctor and I was first diagnosed with PPD. I had no idea and didn’t see that diagnosis coming. I was put on medication right away and felt better. I was so upset that I kind of missed out on Hannah’s first year. Thankfully she has no idea how “sad” mommy was that first year.
With Saul I knew as soon as I felt those feelings to tell my doctor. I was not going to make that same mistake again. Two days post birth I found myself in the hallway of the maternity ward crying I just wanted to see my baby I was so nervous something bad was going to happen to him and my anxiety was keeping me up. Right then and there while still in the hospital I was diagnosed and put on medication that night. I had so many good days where I was a happy mom and I love this motherhood life. Even on the days I wasn’t quite sure how to handle two little ones. The only times I felt off were when I needed to change my medication. After not even a year on the medication I weened myself off and felt wonderful! I contribute that to catching it early.
With this pregnancy I am starting to feel that anxiety creep up and I have talked to my doctor and have a game plan set in motion. Can I just say how thankful I am to have amazing doctors that want to help. Something else I am doing this year which I’m sure many have seen floating around the Internet is “A Year In Pixels.” Every night before I go to bed I reflect on the day and color accordingly to how the day went. It will be so interesting to look back on it and see what type of day I had. Since I am doing this in the back of my planner I decided that on the corresponding day I write a little bit about how the day went. So when I have “bad days” I can see why. Hopefully I can stick with it once baby is here. I mean so far so good!
Less than 2 months until baby is here and ill be juggling another “little Kyle!”