A Mothers Love

When it comes to grieving there is no handbook. There is no easy or quick way to grieve. There is no, after a year grieving gets easier. If I’m going to be completely honest that sucks!

I have three beautiful children whom I love with my whole heart but I have two children who I never got to properly meet. If you’ve been reading my posts then you know all about them since I try to speak about them often.

Out of my two children who were born straight into heaven, only Presley has an actual grave. Unfortunately, when I lost Sage, my first pregnancy, things happened too fast at home and I couldn’t fully comprehend the situation. Pres was older, and was buried with a ceremony (that I couldn’t bring myself to attend) and has and actual gravesite. Whenever I visit Presley I talk to both him and Sage because I  believe they are both together watching over the rest of us. *Note that Presleys grave marker says SHARE 112. He is buried with a few other babies who were born into heaven. Since we didn’t have a name we did not put a name on his grave*

Grief doesn’t give you a heads up of when its going to hit. It doesn’t care where you are or what your doing, it will hit you like a ton of bricks and make you fall to your knees. Last night was one of those nights.

I was doing what I’ve been doing since February 1st. Each night since feb 1st I write on a heart what I love about my children and tape it to their bedroom door. For some reason last night I was overcome with so so much emotion! I thought about how I missed out on a certain type of birth and regretted it ( I needed c-sections with Hannah, Saul, Simeon) then I got to think about well what if Sage and Presley would have actually been born how would their births have been, and how much I miss them. Then the regret of well if they were here technically Hannah and Saul wouldn’t be. Then it just became a complete mess of emotions.  FYI if you stay tuned to this blog in the next few weeks you will read about my medically necessary hysterectomy which makes the feelings of babies even harder.

Today is a day of Love,  and today I’ve done something I’ve only done twice and that was visit Presley grave. It took me many years to get the courage to visit his grave and the first time was only a few months ago. But I’ve been meaning to visit and I felt like today was the perfect day. I have never officially met this beautiful baby but my goodess do I love him and his sister so so much. They were too perfect for this world. I’m thankful my fingers know the keyboard enough because in all honesty my eyes are overcome with emotion  everything is blurry. In all transparency I never knew the genders of Sage or Presley but in my mommas heart I know Sage was a beautiful little girl and Presley was a handsome boy. Thats why I will always refer to them as such.

Today I visited the grave and left two roses, for both my babies. I know they are having and amazing time in Heaven watching down on me, dad, and their siblings. Oh how I wish I would have been able to write hearts for their bedroom doors and been able to watch them grow up but God had different plans and that’s okay.

Grief will always hit at different times for different people. It never gets easier you just learn how to adapt, and embrace it. Grief for myself means I have a really good crying session alone, and talk to my babies. for others its something else. Im not here to to judge I’m just hear to say I understand.  As selfish as it is I hope one day ill be able to think about my babies and not have a mental breakdown but I don’t know what the future holds or how ill deal with grief. Right now this is how I deal, and I’m keeping Kleenex  in business.

Ultimately know matter what I hope Sage and Presley are proud and know how much I miss them, and that no matter what they will never be forgotten. Hannah, Saul, and Simeon will always know about their older siblings and when the time is right they will be able to visit their grave and understand the power of love.