Sitting outside the Hospital July 2012 crying in my husbands arms I never would have thought years later this is where I would be. I remember having a feeling something was off and going for an ultrasound and praying in the car while the song “Amazing Grace” played. I remember being in Jersey when the miscarriage started. I remember rushing home and straight to the hospital to hear that my baby was gone. I remember how cold and unsympathetic the doctors were as my world shattered in front of their eyes. I remember sitting in the car crying in my husband arms. I remember vividly thinking “at least it happened to me and not someone else.” How powerful that mindset was. I remember being in the shower when I felt pain and ultimately holding my super tiny baby in my hand. I remember that pain physically, mentally, emotionally. I remember having no one to talk to about what I went through. My mother had never experienced it so it was hard for her to understand, my mother in law having two of her own understood more of what I was going through so I was so thankful for her during that time. But I didn’t have anyone closer in my age to talk to which is what I found difficult.
Three years later I was in the same predicament. Waking up one morning and knowing my baby was gone. Going to the hospital and the look on the techs face I knew right then and there that again my child was gone. Having a doctor come into the room and tell me again “I’m sorry your baby is gone.” Still with the same coldness that happened years prior. I was scheduled for surgery the next day and my baby would be removed from my body, and I remember still having no one to talk to. I remember sitting in the woods alone after the surgery and crying out to God. Why did this happen for the second time. I knew in time I would know the reason but I didn’t know at that point. Well in time God presented why. And if you Know Presleys story you know that his story didn’t end there.
This Picture above is very near to my heart. Both unfiltered. The top was taken right after I found out I lost Presely. The one below was taken a year later in the same spot. Its as if the clouds were reminding me I got through a dark time in my life when I wasn’t sure I would get through this. And mama who maybe walking that road right now, You will get through this too.
Through the years I went on to have three beautiful children on earth who know about their siblings. And still one of the hardest questions to answer is and will always be “How many children do you have” I have 5 children three on earth two in heaven. That is how I will always answer that tough question.
My dear Sage and Presley are alive through their death. Their stories both unique have gone on to help many other moms. The road of miscarriage is one I don’t think any mother (and yes I said mother because at conception you are that Childs mother whether the child is here or not,) should walk alone. It completely sucks and is extremely difficult so having someone who understands, walking through it with you is something I want to be for other people.
The grief of losing a child can hit at random times, you can feel fine one second and then boom tears and memories and the feelings of what you won’t get to experience with that child. One thing that I tell my moms and I need to remind myself is My child only knew warmth and love. They never felt anything other than my love. When my babies opened their eyes the first person they saw was Jesus! How incredible is that! My babies are both safe in Heaven and the reunion when I finally get to meet them face to face, oh how I dream about that day! But until that day comes I’ll hold them in my heart.
If you or someone you know has had or is going through a miscarriage feel free to reach out. You are not alone.