This day last year I wrote about Sage’s story which most people didn’t know about. Regarding Sage’s passing, I kept it pretty hush hush I guess because I was embarrassed that I wasn’t able to sustain the pregnancy and I didn’t have information on why I lost her (we don’t know either baby’s gender but I have a feeling deep inside of the gender of each). Never in a million years did I think that a year later I would be writing about two babies.
I am the face of a mother who has three children except you only see me with one. I have two children who will never feel pain, sadness who already met Jesus and who are at their eternal home waiting for mommy daddy and their sister. It’s exciting to know that when I get to heaven that not only will I meet God face to face but I’m going to have two children whom I never met waiting for me with open arms and eager to finally meet their mommy.
I don’t wish the loss of a child on anyone and as horrible as an experience it is, I’m happy that it happened to me. Because I lost my two children, that is one less person in the world who will feel this heartache, one less person who will have to sit and wonder who those children would have grown up to be, one less person who will celebrate a birthday with no physical child to blow out the candles because God chose me. God chose me to carry this heartache because he knew I could handle it even at times when I don’t think I can. He knew that through the tears and pain that I would continue to praise him and trust in his plan. He knew that through these two blessings I would use my testimony to bring people closer to Him. He knew that through the heartache and ashes that beauty WILL rise. He knows that as I sit here tears streaming down my face and words jumbled that at least one person needed to hear these words today.
Beauty will rise from this just like it has before. Hannah is my first rainbow baby, and if we have another successful pregnancy that child will too be a rainbow baby. I don’t know what else God and this life has in store for me. I don’t know if I will have anymore Heavenly or Earthly children but I know that I need to keep looking to God and thank him for the good times and the bad times. He chose me for a reason to carry these two children in my heart instead of holding my hand. I’m blessed to have known them, I’m blessed to be their mommy and I can’t wait to meet them as I love them and miss them very much. I am 1 in 4 and I wouldn’t have it any other way