I’m not the first to admit fault and I’m not quite sure why. Human nature? Pride? No idea but I feel like these past few weeks I’ve made a ton of “mommy mistakes.” But The other night at dinner I feel like was the worst. You see daddy was away for nearly 12hours, Hannah was in the midst of sleep strike meaning mommy hasnt slept in who knows how long and the dog had fleas all that put together means mommy reached her boiling point. I was getting Hannah dinner and counting down the hours until bed time when the icing on the cake of a long day happened. Hannah was yet again refusing to eat and decided to throw dinner all over the ground. Instead of collecting my thoughts I did something I instantly regretted. Slammed my hands on the table and yelled “I’m finished.” I immediately looked at hannahs stunned look, I couldn’t believe what I just did so I had to walk away and just cry. I couldn’t believe I just yelled and I’m not talking a quiet yell but a yell that I’m sure my neighbors heard. How the heck did I let my emotions get so out of control? Was it lack of sleep? My PPD rearing its ugly head again? What caused me to lose myself in that instant. If you notice in each of those I never once blamed Hannah because quite frankly it’s not her fault (yes she shouldn’t throw food on the ground granted but that shouldn’t result in my anger.). God gifted me with this beautiful stubborn strong willed little lady and boy oh boy is she strong willed but ultimately It’s my job as a mom to teach her and guide and quite frankly yelling accomplishes zero except maybe makes your child be afraid of you which I don’t want to do.
After a few moments of crying on the couch and feeling like an awful awful mom I went back over to Hannah and apologized and she forgave me, obviously she can’t really verbalized it yet but the long hug she gave me did the trick. I’m hoping in the future that this won’t happen again I can’t make any promises but I never want to get that angry and yell that loudly at my child again. I’m sure there will still be frustrating situations and sleepless nights but I really really need to learn to step back, breath, evaluate the situation and think before I act. I’m so glad that I was given a new day and Hannah is a very forgiving girl and doesn’t seem to hold a grudge.
In the end I’m a normal, non perfect human who is trying to navigate through this season of life. Im sure I’ll make more mistakes but I’m thankful that I’ve been given this opportunity to be a mom and to teach Hannah how to forgive. I wish I was able to forgive as easily as she did. I’m so proud and thankful for her