Trying to Find Myself

Around this time each year I sit in the exact same spot by French creek that I sat in shortly after I lost my child in 2015. Tonight as I sat there thinking about life as of right now the thought came to me. Who excatly am I? Primarily, when people think of me they match up “a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister,” Of course I am so glad to be associated with each of those identifiers but Im thinking of something more, something deeper.

I cant believe I am actually saying this but at 30 years old, Im not sure I know who I am. I thought I knew but I honestly have no idea, and as I sit down by the creek I am trying really hard to figure it out. I know who I hope I am, or at least who I hope other people see me as. I hope Im a likeable person, I hope people know I love my family more than life itself, I hope people associate my name with a God fearing woman, and I hope people would think “oh Leah, yea she would give the shirt off her back to someone who needs it.”

Essentially what I’m getting at is ( as morbid as it might sound) when I eventually leave this earth what will people say about me at my funeral. WIll they say she was a good mom a good friend? Will the memory of myself eventually fade into the backround like so many that have come before? I hope not but I am the only one who can change that.

As I sit in the silence watching the sun go down on yet another day, I am so excited that (lord willing) God will wake me up tomorrow to another beautiful sunrise he painted and give me yet another chance at this wonderful thing called life.

Thinking about all this shows that you (or at least me) are/am never really done learning about yourself and figuring things out. Now I’m curious those that know me, if you could describe me in one word what would that be?

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