The time I wanted to run away

I remember the night vividly. It was about 2am three weeks after our third was born and I was awake to nurse again. I was covered in spit up, and exhausted. I looked at this tiny face and couldn’t believe the thought that was running through my mind. I wanted to run away. I wanted to gently place my new baby down get in the car and go. I couldn’t deal with for and I just wanted my own mom.

I have Post Partum Depression again……I have Post Partum Anxiety again. Does this mean I want to harm myself? No! Does this mean I want to harm my children? No! Does this make me a bad mother? Not at all. I’m just a mom who is mentally struggling and is well overwhelmed.

Being a stay at home mom with three kids can be overwhelming as it is and with this diagnosis it’s awful. Honestly looking at my house I can tell the good days from the bad    The good days my house is put together the kids are happy and we’ve had a lot of play and adventures. The bad days my house is a mess, and we’ve had way way too much tv time. I truly hope that when my kids are older they do not remember the days that were rough.

Honestly, I can not believe I have this terrible diagnosis again but I am so thankfully though that I was proactive prior to the diagnosis because I am not sure how far off I’d be. The most frustrating part is I just want to be happy. I know I can be happy but I’m not. Sometimes I have that glimmer of hope where I’m happy, laughing, enjoying life but then with a snap of my fingers I want to crawl into a hole and cry.  I mean I’m not going to lie I do cry almost daily as it is but some days it’s worse then others.

When I called my doctor to get an appointment to explain what’s been going on I told them, to put it simply I know I can be happy but I’m just not. Thankfully the nurse fully understood what I was trying to say. I’m optimistic that things will get better in time. It just takes a bit for things to regulate. But until then I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. He has seriously been my rock and has helped so much at night since lack of sleep really ignites all the  feelings. I am so thankful for him and would be so lost without him.

If you are struggling like I am know that you are not a bad mother, and there is help out there. We as moms need to take care of ourselves as well as those we love but, you can’t pour from an empty glass. Take some time for you, and I promise I’ll do the same.  We can get through this together!

13 thoughts on “The time I wanted to run away

  1. Michele says:

    Being a mom is really challenging! I think we all want to run away at times. It’s just plain overwhelming, especially with lack of sleep.

    Thanks for joining #WanderingWednesday! 🙂

  2. jenniferwise4heritagemakers says:

    I’ve felt like running away before, too, and not just when I had little babies. You’re right that it doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a real mom. The responsibility is overwhelming. I have one child especially who has always pushed me to my absolute limit, and then just a little bit more. For now, just try to remember the happy moments. I like that you said you know you can be happy but you just aren’t. It’s temporary. <3 #wanderingwednesday

  3. Emily Gottberg says:

    I am a FTM, my son is 6 months and motherhood is already the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was a nanny before, but having your own baby is a whole different story! Thank you for your honest post! It’s nice to know we are all feeling similar feelings and that it doesn’t make us “bad” moms!

  4. Misadventures with Megan (@MisadvntrMegan) says:

    Damn I can’t imagine going through that more than once! I had postpartum depression after my second, and it was so humbling. I definitely learned about myself and the views I had subconsciously held about mental illness. You are not a bad mother, and eventually this will pass! #wanderingwednesday

  5. Valerie @Three Clementines says:

    Thank you for sharing! I think so often people think post partum depression is only that you want to hurt your child or yourself but it’s so different for everyone and that’s probably the least common form of it! I definitely struggled with anxiety after I had my twins and had never experienced that with my first so it took going to a counselor 8 months after they were born, thinking I was going crazy, to finally realize that’s what it was!

  6. babyfatblogging says:

    I have been there, especially when you are exhausted and you just want to sleep! I appreciate your openness, so many people can relate!! Thanks for the share!

  7. boldintentionallifecom says:

    Thank you for the post. I struggled/struggle with this as well. Most days I am just trying to “Get through the day”. Its hard to live wishing it was naptime/bedtime already. But then we have those moments of joy, see their smiles, watch them learn something new and we get re-energized. Thanks for putting yourself out there. You are definitely not alone.

  8. hampersandhiccups says:

    Your kids will know how hard you fought to keep their world safe and secure, all the while loving them as much as you possibly can. It’s tough having littles! I think we all struggle to some extent, diagnosis or not. I know I did. And I had the bone-chilling thought of running, too. We were shopping. My husband dropped me off at a store and circled around to drop off some donations. I remember thinking I could just vanish and not have to deal with our second newborn ever again. Of course, the thought brought tears to my eyes, but I had it none the less.
    Stay strong. This too will pass with the right guidance and help

  9. Lori says:

    You’re being proactive and accepting what is real. You are doing a great job! Let the good days carry you through the harder ones! ❤️

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