I remember the night vividly. It was about 2am three weeks after our third was born and I was awake to nurse again. I was covered in spit up, and exhausted. I looked at this tiny face and couldn’t believe the thought that was running through my mind. I wanted to run away. I wanted to gently place my new baby down get in the car and go. I couldn’t deal with for and I just wanted my own mom.
I have Post Partum Depression again……I have Post Partum Anxiety again. Does this mean I want to harm myself? No! Does this mean I want to harm my children? No! Does this make me a bad mother? Not at all. I’m just a mom who is mentally struggling and is well overwhelmed.
Being a stay at home mom with three kids can be overwhelming as it is and with this diagnosis it’s awful. Honestly looking at my house I can tell the good days from the bad The good days my house is put together the kids are happy and we’ve had a lot of play and adventures. The bad days my house is a mess, and we’ve had way way too much tv time. I truly hope that when my kids are older they do not remember the days that were rough.
Honestly, I can not believe I have this terrible diagnosis again but I am so thankfully though that I was proactive prior to the diagnosis because I am not sure how far off I’d be. The most frustrating part is I just want to be happy. I know I can be happy but I’m not. Sometimes I have that glimmer of hope where I’m happy, laughing, enjoying life but then with a snap of my fingers I want to crawl into a hole and cry. I mean I’m not going to lie I do cry almost daily as it is but some days it’s worse then others.
When I called my doctor to get an appointment to explain what’s been going on I told them, to put it simply I know I can be happy but I’m just not. Thankfully the nurse fully understood what I was trying to say. I’m optimistic that things will get better in time. It just takes a bit for things to regulate. But until then I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. He has seriously been my rock and has helped so much at night since lack of sleep really ignites all the feelings. I am so thankful for him and would be so lost without him.
If you are struggling like I am know that you are not a bad mother, and there is help out there. We as moms need to take care of ourselves as well as those we love but, you can’t pour from an empty glass. Take some time for you, and I promise I’ll do the same. We can get through this together!