When we became pregnant with Presley we were so excited to give Hannah a sibling. Since Hannah would become the older of the children she would move into a big girl room and get her big girl bed before the new baby’s arrival in December. We knew quite quickly that we wanted to move Hannah’s room and transition her crib pretty soon after camp so we could work on the nursery since we would be almost half way through the pregnancy. After we lost Presley the thoughts of changing Han’s room vanished and I knew that going home from camp would be hard because we had those big plans. I remember at one point walking into Hannah’s nursery and just crying and grieving that I wasn’t able to go through with those plans and that come December I wouldn’t be putting a new baby in that room. A few weeks passed and the initial grief wave was over and than we technically lost the baby for the second time and had to get a second surgery. I was yet again worried to go home because even though it was still Presley and I grieved throughout the weeks prior I wasnt quite sure if it would sneak back up when I went into Hannahs room again. Thankfully it didn’t.
About a week ago my turbo toddler started to climb out of her crib. I knew this day would come sooner than I wanted since she climbs on everything. So after talking with Kyle it was time to convert her crib into her toddler bed. I knew she was ready and was a little confused as to why Mommy took pretty much everything out of her room except her crib. While Kyle was taking the crib a part the emotions and the tears just started to flow unexpectedly. I honestly didn’t think it would happen. I wasn’t crying because of Hannah growing up. I am thrilled she is becoming a “big girl.” Okay yes I am a little sad she isn’t in the crib but I know she is safer in the toddler bed and she actually really likes it and Mommy likes that nap strike is over. I was crying because it took me right back to those plans we had before camp. Actually seeing the crib transitioning into a toddler bed and knowing its not because of a new baby was so hard. I haven’t cried that hard since Presley passed. It was just a really hard day and as I type this my eyes are swelling up thinking about it. You would think that grief is a short process at least I did but, when its your own child some days it feels like everything makes you cry. I know that most likely when we switch her room for her second birthday and the nursery goes back to being a computer room I will probably cry then too. But just like in a post Ive written before I take the time to cry and I get back up and keep on going, keeping Presley and even Sage in the back of my mind and forefront of my heart. I still hope that eventually the nursery will become a nursery again and Hannah will get her very own baby (at least that is what she would think) but for right now we are just taking things one day at a time, all the transitions and all the tears included.
XO
Leah