Life has been Crazy since I last blogged. We found out we were pregnant with our second child in April. It was an answer to prayers and we were so excited to have another baby right around Hannah’s Second birthday. Through out the beginning of the pregnancy I had a strange feeling that this Pregnancy wouldnt last. I was praying to God that I would have the peace I had during Hannah’s pregnancy but for some reason I wasn’t finding it. On May 21 I received the news that my baby whom I have carried for 9 weeks was no longer living. It was devastating especially since the day before everything was perfect.My baby was Born into Heaven and I never got a chance to meet him or her. Grieving was rough since I was at camp and never had some alone time But the support and Love I felt during that time was amazing and I truly appreciate my camp/work family.
When we finally got home on July 4th I knew I would be overcome with grief being home for the first time since our baby( who we later named Presley) passed. It was rough but I was thankful to be home and get back into the swing of things of being a Stay At Home Mom. On July 20th I got yet another positive test and I was filled with joy, But I couldnt shake the feeling of thinkinig that this was left over from Presley’s pregnancy. After talking to the Nurse she assured me that since I had surgery in May that this was in fact a new pregnancy. I still wasnt so sure. On Thursday ( Now I hate thursdays by the way, funny thing is im writing this on a thursday) I rushed to the ER with some unexplained symptoms and being pregnant I wasnt taking any chances. While getting an ultrasound I looked on the screen and there I saw a baby, Head, Torso,Arms, Legs and no Heartbeat. The tech was shocked, inside of me was a 9week old baby with no Heartbeat whom I named Presley two months ago. After the shock set in of knowing that all this time I thought I was grieiving a baby who was no longer inside of me he/she was in fact still in me for the past two months, we decided to go ahead and get yet another surgery on the 24th. The staff were amazing since this is something that never happens, yes a piece of the baby’s tissue could be left inside but never the entire baby.
So where does this leave us a week later. Confused? Scared? Full of Tears? All of the above. But at the same time optimistic. God has a huge plan for my life. I of course have no idea what that plan is. I know his plans are so much greater than mine ( says the girl who wanted to be a non married police officer but is now a loving wife and mom) I do have times of thinking Why me, Why did I have to go through surgery twice for one baby, Why did I lose my beautiful baby while people who don’t follow God go on to have so many children. God I’m not as strong as you think I am. But God draws close to the brokenhearted and I know that he cries right along with me. This is something that could rock peoples faith but just like after losing Sage in 2012 God doesn’t do this to spite me, he is using me for something greater. Even through this sadness and confusion I’m going to continue to lean on God and look towards him. He’s got this and He’s got me.
I’m very optimistic about the future and about Future Babies. Look at the women in the Bible, Sarah had a baby at a very old age. Hannah never ceased praying to have a baby, and of course Leah who God saw was unloved so he opened her womb to bore children. Those women loved God and never stopped praying and that’s what I’ll continue to do. All of this just adds to my testimony and through the tears in my eyes I can’t wait to see what comes of this.