I am 1 in 4….

Today is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day and I thought it would be fitting to tell my story. Everyone who has lost a baby grieve differently and I know for me two years later and it hasn’t  get easier 

 We weren’t trying for this baby sometimes things just happen. We were outside hanging out and I remember tasting metal in my mouth. Like I just put pennies in my mouth and I joked with my husband that I was pregnant. We went into our apartment so I could drink some orange juice and research this odd taste and to our surprise it was indeed a pregnancy symptom. I didn’t miss my period yet so I didn’t feel like testing 
 When my husband went to work a few days later I tested and it came back positive! I was so excited. I ran out called my friend christine and got a cupcake (inside joke) and a hey your a dad card. He was just as shocked as I was. We got the what to expect when your expecting book and were so excited to start our journey. I remember feeling pains and thinking it was my body adjusting and scheduled our appt. I got my blood work done three days in a row to see if my numbers were increasing. They were slowly but the doctors chalked it up to being so early in the pregnancy. 
 July 26,2012 I was heading to jersey to try on bridesmaid dresses for my cousins wedding all while keeping my pregnancy a secret. I got to jersey told my cousin my secret and asked for prayers as I felt a little weird. I was trying on dresses crampy and just not sure what was going on. I got back to my moms house and saw what I was dreading. I rushed out of my moms called my husband and said I’ll meet you at the hospital I think I’m having a miscarriage. That was the longest drive of my life.

At the hospital it was confirmed through ultrasound and blood tests there was no longer a baby. So many thoughts went through my head that day. Why did this happen to us? What did I do wrong? Will I ever have children? I may never know why that happened and why my first baby was taken away from me before I knew them. I do have comfort in knowing the baby will never feel pain or sadness and I can’t wait to meet them some day 

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