Those words not in parthensis are the words I’ve uttered to myself and those around me for the past month. Unbeknownst to any of us my depression and anxiety slowly crept back into my life. It started lightly by me having no motivation to clean my house, or take care of myself. I attributed it to just being legitimately tired. I found myself just wanting to sit and cry, go back to bed and not deal with life, of course I thought it was just being overwhelmed with kyle traveling so much. I would check on the kids every hour during the night (usually it was the one hour Saul actually slept) to make sure they were breathing and okay. If I tried to convince myself they were okay I would nearly go into a panic attack of what ifs.
Obviously my PPD/PPA is different then others. The stigma with Post Partum Depression is that since I’ve been diagnosed with it I want to harm myself or my children. That is very untrue in my case. I want my children to be safe but I am not doing anythung to enrich their lives. There has been way to much TV time for my liking, barely any playtime, I was just doing what I had to do to get through the day until I could go back to sleep. Looking back on it all it makes me so upset at all those missed opputunities to teach and play. Those are times I will never get back and my depression stole it from me.
Yesterday 2/6 is when it all came to the front of my mind. I was sitting in a meeting and ready to run out of there. I stopped and thought to myself my goodness what is going on with me and then it hit, I am depressed. After it was over I raced out to call my doctor since everything made so much sense now. I cried on the phone explaining my feelings and everything that has happened. We agreed to try some different things and meet in a few weeks to see if any other adjustments need to happen.
The journey of depression is a rough one. I’m not quite sure when I will be as happy as I once was but I know it will happen and I’ll get to that point. Now, that I realized what was wrong I can make the changes that need to happen so my family isn’t deprived of fun memories with mom.