I absolutely HATE HATE HATE to cry. I don’t like to cry alone and you better believe I do not like to cry in front of other people. With the grief associated with losing a child I have spent many days/ nights crying. Yesterday was one of those days. I was so overcome with grief the tears became the words that I couldn’t speak. You see we would have been half way through Presleys pregnancy. We would have found out the gender (maybe) and started coming up with ideas for a nursery. I see others having healthy happy pregnancies with a similiar due dates and I’ll be the first to admit it gets hard. Am I happy for them YES do I wish that was me YES but currently I have an empty womb and an empty place in my heart. Now I know what some are saying, You have a beautiful toddler how can you be so upset. But losing a child that you never got a chance to meet is hard and its something that no matter how many children I have I will never forget the ones I lost.
I have had many rough days especially after the second surgery. There have been days where I would rather stay in bed all day and have a pity party but, I cant do that. I have to get up everyday and keep going on with my Life. I refuse to let myself spiral into a black hole of misery. As much as grieving stinks and as much as the tears stream down my face because the words just cant come out, I have to keep going. Yesterday while I was having a cryfest alone in my room a song came over the radio Survivor by Matthew West. The lyrics that really hit hard were “Your strength has been stolen away and your faith has been worn to a fray But you live to live on one more day Cause you’re a survivor And nothing can stop you now nothing can back you down, you never give up, you never give in you’re a survivor.” Isn’t that the truth. We are all survivors no matter what the circumstances may be. I pray that who ever is reading this, whatever you have gone through that no matter what, after you have one of those days where its hard to get up, hard to say how you are feeling, that you will get up and keep going because no matter what you’ve been through you ARE a survivor.