When people see me walking around they see myself with a baby bump (hopefully they realize its a baby bump) with my two toddlers in tow and are possibly thinking awe she has three children. Surprisingly, they are wrong. I am indeed pregnant with my 5th child even though those who don’t know me cant tell.
In Honor of Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, I will be sharing a lot in regards to my two children gone to soon. And the struggles of pregnancy post miscarriage. I will be referring to each child as them/their since I never knew the babies genders.
The two children gone to soon I often wonder about. Sage who breathed their first breath in heaven. It was 2012 and I wasn’t feeling right on a warm summers day. I had this awful metallic taste in my mouth that was as if I had been chomping on pennies. After research I found out it could be a pregnancy sign. I took a test and saw that beautiful positive. In shock I wasn’t sure what to do since I was still fairly new to PA and didn’t have a doctor. Kyle found out that night the way I always wanted to tell him. With a cupcake (inside joke.) I found a doctor and got my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy and that was a hassle in itself since the doctors office I was working with wasn’t the best. I went to get my HCG checked twice the first time it went up estimated I was very early. I guess you could say I had a sense something was wrong as I went back for my second appointment to make sure it was rising. The song Amazing Grace came on as I prayed everything doubled, I still cant listen to that song without crying. My HCG didnt double but the doctor said it could be because I was still early. A few days later we went out and go the book What to expect when your expecting since its kind of a right of passage to get that book once the stick turns positive. I read it every day. I started to feel cramps and like something was wrong, but the book said it could be normal.
I went to NJ to have a dress fitting for my cousins wedding the next month still not feeling 100% When I got back to my moms house I knew something was very wrong and jetted out as fast as I could not saying much. Kyle met me at the hospital as I prayed that this baby would be okay. The doctor came in and extremely unsympathetic said “your losing your baby, your HCG has dropped.” I cried so hard and didn’t know what I “did wrong” to lose this baby. As they kicked us out of the hospital, yes we were practically kicked out again no sympathy, we cried in the parking lot at the thought of the Baby we will never meet. The next day I was still crampy and took a shower. That was where I passed me little one. I know for a fact that was my baby as I help that super tiny undeveloped person in my hand and cried and apologized. Even writing this brings back all the emotions I sometimes still keep hidden.
In 2015, I again found myself pregnant after having a successful pregnancy and birth in 2013 to my lovely daughter Hannah. I found out I was due in December with this new little babe. Right around big sisters birthday. My HCG was rising and everything seemed on track. Except the heartbeat gave me an uneasy feeling. When first checked it was under 100 I think 86 I dont remember the specifics. After two days or so it shot up to 175. I know heartbeats start at different times and this could be normal but I had a bad feeling. We went on with the pregnancy and left for camp. I had morning sickness with all my pregnancies but again something felt off. I woke up on Thursday after being sick all night with this gut feeling my baby was gone. I attempted to find the heartbeat on the Doppler and couldn’t find it. Rushed to the ER near camp and got an ultrasound. The tech was acting weird and was silent which confirmed baby passed away. The doctor came into the room and told us the baby had indeed passed away and I was scheduled for surgery the next day.
10 weeks after camp I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test again. That night I started to spot and went to the ER since I literally just went through losing my baby. The tech showed me a 9w6d baby on the screen and said Im sorry theres no heartbeat. I was confused since I just lost a baby at 9w6d and theres no way I could have gotten pregnant since I just had my surgery 10 weeks ago. Lo and behold it was the same baby. I had no idea why this was happening, or how I didnt get an infection/ go into labor. But again another surgery to ensure the baby would be taken out.
2017 Here we go again. I had a healthy successful pregnancy in 2016 and delivered and amazing little boy. But I am pregnant again and to say its an easy breezy pregnancy is an understatement. If you have made it this far you see that pattern and you can get a sense of how nervous I am at times for this pregnancy. So far everything is picture perfect and at 17 weeks the baby is doing amazing. I have times of complete worry but everyday I pray the same prayer “God, I give this baby and this pregnancy to you.” and I mean it every time I say it.
I am excited for this new little blessing to come into my life as I know this is my last baby. After 5 pregnancies, 2 surgeries, passing 1 baby naturally my body cant handle any more so Im waving that white flag. I always wanted a lot of children and I have that. Except looking at my family you wont be able to tell but I have one baby cooking, one on each hand and two always in my heart.